The Gift

How interesting... how many things have changed.

I've been thinking of Jeremy most of this week. I've found myself startled, woken in the middle of night with dreams about him. I've been on the computer; "google-ing" his name. Trying to find out what I could about him from afar. His "trail" ends in June, 2006 -- when he sold his house/ property in Washington, DC. I have no idea where he is now. Its... somewhat disturbing, but alas... that is all gone, now.

Still, at times, a turn of a phrase from a stranger in the supermarket or store, or listening to a song on the radio or cd will bring back memories of when he and I were together. Today I was playing tennis at the Riverside tennis facility, and nearing 4pm, the sun was beginning to set from view. At one point I was getting ready to return serve in the second set (at 2-0) and caught a look of the clouds, the colour of the sky, the brownish leaves on the trees... and had a huge, HUGE recollection--nearly de'ja vous-ish--of when Jeremy and I were playing tennis in the early fall of 1997 at Mellon park in Pittsburgh. At the time it was an outdoor facility, with "Artificial grass" surface (basically sand-covered artificial grass). And I had a blast with him. I was remembering his serve and what it looked like--things I haven't had thoughts of in years.

Tonight I talked to Joe (just recently) on his way home from Michael's house in Morningside. Joe made the comment about how Pittsburgh is "such a datable city." And it is. He remarked the one weekend "you can go to the Waterfront," another weekend to Robinson, or the strip district. I miss the "familiarity" of Pittsburgh. And how at this time of year -- I'd probably be driving in the middle of the night around to the places I've been in the city where my life has felt important and validated. Now -- being in Los Angeles -- I dont have that chance. And it's not "just a hop, skip, and a jump away" anymore. *sigh*

This is odd, but -- I just had a total flashback to March of 1997 when I had driven Jeremy to the Pittsburgh airport for spring break. I went back to his apartment near the mellon arena (where the Penguins ice hockey team play) in Washington Plaza. I stayed there by myself that night. In his bed. All this other housemates were gone -- all on spring break. And I sat in the window well (seat) and watched the city of pittsburgh for a few hours that night -- with a GREAT view. *sigh*.....

It's odd that now I can look back and realize I wasn't ready for that relationship. I "pushed" it to happen. I tried to create something which wasnt there. I wasnt strong enough. I wasnt able to realize what it was that I could have. And therefore -- it fell apart. Now, ironically, the man I want to be with is 2,452 miles away. now that's depressing. But at least there's something.... he's one of, if not the most amazing men i've ever met in my life. 2 and 1/2 years later if i'm still feeling this way -- it obviously means theres something strong and right there. doesnt it? who knows. *confused*

... winter snow is falling down
children laughing all around
lights are turning on
like a fairy tale come true

sitting by the fire we made
you're the answer when i prayed
i would find someone
and i found you

watching as you softly sleep
what i'd give if i could keep
for this moment
if only time stood still
but the colours fade away
and the years will make us grey
but in my eyes
you'll still be beautiful

and all i want it to hold you forever
all i need is you more every day
you saved my heart from being broken apart
you gave your love away
i can't find the words to say
but i'm thankful everyday
for the gift...