You are viewing [info]jonathanpgh's journal

The Past.   
01:55am 20/09/2007
 
mood: lonely
Is it possible I'm halfway through life? yeah - it actually is.

Today - this morning - I woke very late. 10.30am to be exact. ANd I knew right then and there it was goign to be a weird day. I had woke with a dream about David Tatarko, Stephen Wilkins and I taking an exam with Dr Blair administring the exam. Very werid.

Just shortly before that I had a dream about being in a somewhat run-down apartment waiting for someone to arrive. I was prepping and getting ready - but it almost seemed like a hotel room. Guess watching that show on Bravo last night with whatever-his-name is fashion guru (Tim Gunn) kinda got my head thinking abotu that stuff (the peopld on the show act surprised about him arriving - but there are cameras catching every moment - how can they really be surprised at all? Stupid television situations. Blah!)

Anyway - it was very cloudy today. And in Los Angeles - that's pretty rare. But it actually threw me back to Pitttsburgh weather. And I was taking a shower and trying to figure out what the weather reminded me of -- and it was a combination of settings/ seasons. It somewhat felt like it was the early srping when I was a kid - in the middle of the day - just a little bit warm but not enough that shorts and a t-shirt were appropriate. Definitely needed a wind-breaker. :)

It also felt like the fall of 2005 -- when I had skipped class at PITT to go play tennis with Jason Stuart. Those were pretty awesome times. Definitely worth skipping class.

Regardless - it hit me on the way home from tennis league tonight - when i was briefly sorting through CD's to play. I came across an old celine dion CD that i use to listen to on the way back from Jeremy Zellers parents house in Bernville, Pa back to Indiana in the summer of 1997. OMG. That's when it hit me - that was 10 years ago ! Actually more than 10 years ago. Ugh. It was - and still is - hours later - a punch to the stomach. Ugh. 10 years. I can hardly believe that much time has passed. :( *very sad.

and for some reason tonight since then I've not been able to shake that feeling of being "lost."

It really did start with that dream from last night. It totally set the mood for the day and the evening - and now, still, hours later at 2am.

Oh, yeah -- and I lost my singles match to Bob Corzo 5-7. I broke his serve to start off 1-0. He promptly broke back and then held his serve to be up 2-1. He then broke my serve again and went up 3-1. I finaly pulled it together, broke his serve and it was 2-3. I held a serve game (whwere I questioned my abilities being down 15-30) but won the game to even the score 3-3. I broke his serve pretty easily with a good overhead in the game and was up 4-3. I then finally held my serve and went up 5-3. I lost the next game and the score was 5-4 I was ahead. Somehow I failed to win my serve game again - and now the score is even at 5-5. He serves - I have my chances - but I lose the game and its now 5-6. We're switching sides and this time I'm thinking "I had chances to win this - and now I'm serving just to stay in the match. OMG. Whats going on."

Well - in the end - I didn't serve well (Obviously I lost 4 of my 5 service games). The only one I felt settled was teh 3rd service game which I won rather easily. But alas - I lost. And this is the guy I beat last year by serving to his forehand constantly and I wont 6-1. He's only won one other match this season - he's now 2-7. OMG. What a loser I am. Damn.

At the end of the league Brandon Willis (my teammate) asked if I'd hit tennis balls with him. So we did. We kinda joked a bit before, throughout, and afterwards. As we're walking off the courts alone he says "so are you married? Do u have a boyfriend?" to which I replied "No, I don't." He asked "Why do you have that wedding ring on your finger then."

I explained abotu how I use to wear it all the time on my right hand - but had to move it to my left hand for sports. And it somehow just stuck - so I wear it there, on the left hand, instead.

I kinda had the feeling he was flirting with me - but by the time we made it to the front of the tennis court complex Rey was there and I didn't want to talk to him. But Brandon went in his direction and I just kinda kept going and walked away toward the exit. James Gregg made a mention of "not saying goodbye," but I wasn't in the mood to talk to Rey so I kinda made an excuse and then walked away, basically. Offly, while getting held up by Greg - that entire group passed me. I pretty much only spoke to Greg for a few moments on the way out (we were the last two) and that ended the night of tennis. On the way home - that's when I had the thoughts about jeremy come into my head - and realized I was probably having emotional flashbacks throughout the day which was why my life seemed a bit weird all through the day, today.

Anyway - there was a lot of history going on in my head today.		  
     Read 2 - Post
 
youre always crazy like that...   
11:03am 28/06/2007
 
mood: apathetic
i've been job hunting for two week. it sucks. its totally depressing. finging a job thats perfectly suited to my experience, education, etc. i fit *every* qualification still i never get a call/email back. who the fuck IS the person getting a call?!? damnit. its frustrating.

to add to that... the guy im semi-dating is making mucho bucks. he tells me about a settlement of sorts from an employer who refused to pay him, basically, which is going to amount to between $10K and $12K for two weeks (four days) of work -- because they didn't pay him (and refused to pay him) on time. Its being filed with the governing professional association and looks ugly, really. but in the end -- he's got $10K more than before. all of that for four days worth of work. nice, huh? Im still trying to figure out how to pay about $250 in bills for july which are due within a week. we're *soooo* on different levels. its... frustrating.

ive been helping Rey with tennis lately. We spent 2 hours last week, and two hours last night, working on drills, and making him a more focused player. No pay. But he owes me two dinners. he pays for the court. i give the instruction. he hit about 500 balls id guess, last night. very beneficial to him. i *openly hit* with him last night; it was fine. he has superior overpowering skills over me. my game feels weak next to his. could explain why he is an A level player and im a C level player. i need a drink.

so to cope im listening to Jewel (the musical artist). Not that crap from later in her career/ recently. But the original 1996/1997 stuff (the *Pieces of You* album). *Sings:* "the thought blue prints were to sad so they made them yellow.*

anybody have any good job leads for a researcher, project coordinator/ manager, exercise physiologist?!?!?! help?!?!		  
     Post
 
... this is not a love song.   
11:32pm 16/03/2007
 
mood: blah
So after about a week or so coming across Jeremy's Friendster profile -- yeah, I kinda freaked. Damn. He looks great. And yes, I teared up. Didn't cry though. I saved the pictures. Hell--it's only been 9 years since we broke up. And just over 6 years (last time: December 31, 2000) since I've seen him in person. With his boyfriend. Fuck that.

Today is his birthday (March 16). Today is, also, Eric's birthday. A few years difference in age. So many similarities. So many differences. But, wow -- how quite simply they were cut from the same cloth. The only difference is not, with Eric, things aren't going quite so "fast," (forward). And I'm not sure he likes me. (I sound like such a schoolgirl, I know). Better part is--I'm not sure I really care. I'm not sure it's all it's cracked up to be -- being in love with someone who's clearly not in love with you. Falling for someone that just can't express that your "not the one." Until it's too late. And he's already gone.

I miss Joe. Today I was missing him. All this week, actually. Hugging him. I think next time I see him I'm going to cry. How fucking empty I felt when he left the house nearly two years ago - August 5th, 2005. I knew I'd never be the same. It's three years since we dated. Yet, I think about him daily. And Jeremy lately. And I talk to Eric almost everyday. Fucked up.

"... did I say that I loathe you?
did I say that I want to
leave it all behind?"		  
     Post
 
messengers   
09:45pm 30/12/2006
 
mood: drained
Daily I struggle to find my strength.

Love becomes a poison for which death cannot barter; a wind on which my breath will not follow; a pain allconsuming to shatter my soul. I cannot stop the onslaught of emotions within my heart reminding me the frailness of my mind. For in that instance, at that moment, in that heartbeat -- I wake to find the dream replaced by a reality now a millennium long. Far too long have I stood fast on baited ear waiting for a lie which always comes. For if the truth will set you free--then the lie shall imprision for all eternity.

Yet ... I believe we are messengers on earth. I believe in angels. I am blessed by god to tell myself that I suffer that much to become who I am today.

Long ago I embraced a part of my soul others would have eagerly and gladly hidden away in the most secret confines of their very being. To have never embraced the light. To have always burdened the heart. To forever torment the mind. My freedom bought a chilling conclusion: nothing in this world--nothing--including freedom--is given without a price. The price I paid for freedom. The bargain unaware. The brand worn forever.

I was told once of an island--where the tormented could be saved. Where the lovers would unite. Where not even death could keep hope away.

Daily I find peace in the unknown. I find darkenss enthralling--the last great mystery of life; the last great hope of temptation; a final playground for the child.

On a cold and wintery evening... there was a boy who cried his tears. Waiting for his love to return. Wondering how to survive. Finding no comfort in the stars.

Once there was a boy who knew nothing of desperation, nothing of fear, nothing of loss.

He is gone, now.		  
     Post
 
The Gift   
11:39pm 23/12/2006
 
mood: sentimental
How interesting... how many things have changed.

I've been thinking of Jeremy most of this week. I've found myself startled, woken in the middle of night with dreams about him. I've been on the computer; "google-ing" his name. Trying to find out what I could about him from afar. His "trail" ends in June, 2006 -- when he sold his house/ property in Washington, DC. I have no idea where he is now. Its... somewhat disturbing, but alas... that is all gone, now.

Still, at times, a turn of a phrase from a stranger in the supermarket or store, or listening to a song on the radio or cd will bring back memories of when he and I were together. Today I was playing tennis at the Riverside tennis facility, and nearing 4pm, the sun was beginning to set from view. At one point I was getting ready to return serve in the second set (at 2-0) and caught a look of the clouds, the colour of the sky, the brownish leaves on the trees... and had a huge, HUGE recollection--nearly de'ja vous-ish--of when Jeremy and I were playing tennis in the early fall of 1997 at Mellon park in Pittsburgh. At the time it was an outdoor facility, with "Artificial grass" surface (basically sand-covered artificial grass). And I had a blast with him. I was remembering his serve and what it looked like--things I haven't had thoughts of in years.

Tonight I talked to Joe (just recently) on his way home from Michael's house in Morningside. Joe made the comment about how Pittsburgh is "such a datable city." And it is. He remarked the one weekend "you can go to the Waterfront," another weekend to Robinson, or the strip district. I miss the "familiarity" of Pittsburgh. And how at this time of year -- I'd probably be driving in the middle of the night around to the places I've been in the city where my life has felt important and validated. Now -- being in Los Angeles -- I dont have that chance. And it's not "just a hop, skip, and a jump away" anymore. *sigh*

This is odd, but -- I just had a total flashback to March of 1997 when I had driven Jeremy to the Pittsburgh airport for spring break. I went back to his apartment near the mellon arena (where the Penguins ice hockey team play) in Washington Plaza. I stayed there by myself that night. In his bed. All this other housemates were gone -- all on spring break. And I sat in the window well (seat) and watched the city of pittsburgh for a few hours that night -- with a GREAT view. *sigh*.....

It's odd that now I can look back and realize I wasn't ready for that relationship. I "pushed" it to happen. I tried to create something which wasnt there. I wasnt strong enough. I wasnt able to realize what it was that I could have. And therefore -- it fell apart. Now, ironically, the man I want to be with is 2,452 miles away. now that's depressing. But at least there's something.... he's one of, if not the most amazing men i've ever met in my life. 2 and 1/2 years later if i'm still feeling this way -- it obviously means theres something strong and right there. doesnt it? who knows. *confused*

... winter snow is falling down
children laughing all around
lights are turning on
like a fairy tale come true

sitting by the fire we made
you're the answer when i prayed
i would find someone
and i found you

watching as you softly sleep
what i'd give if i could keep
for this moment
if only time stood still
but the colours fade away
and the years will make us grey
but in my eyes
you'll still be beautiful

and all i want it to hold you forever
all i need is you more every day
you saved my heart from being broken apart
you gave your love away
i can't find the words to say
but i'm thankful everyday
for the gift...		  
     Post
 
dreams   
11:18am 20/12/2006
 
mood: restless
... havent been sleeping well, lately. dont know why. have an idea, but.. who knows. im sure money, this holiday time of year. the holidays, for me, have always been of betrayal or falseness. ive longed for that "warm, cozy feeling" everyone supposedly gets during this time of year. i fear i've never known it; there have always been... complications... to me feeling that happiness. ...in junior high: wanting to be somewhere else (in school, can you imagine) solely because matt, or david, were there. and to be in their presence meant the world to me. even though nothing would come of those silly, childish hopes. in college... the month of sadness and solitude; sleeping for 16 or 20 hours on end trying to numb the pain--having found out jeremy was unfaithful a week or two before. having my world crushes. never fully recovering. and truthfully, never needing to. no one would hold that part of my soul again. i was way too vulnerable. way too sensitive. become strong; centered in self; no longer wavering in the wind--but commanding it instead!

so many others; men were like play-things. toys. used and discarded. unworthy of the affection of a goddess. mere mortals. then he came along. at a time when i was focused on other things. too many objectives. too many goals in my life to be distracted by a man. but, yet, there he was. charming words. stunningly good pictures. amazing soul. unlike anyone ive encountered in a millenium. a suitable suitor (i personally love the complexity of that phrase. tehe.)? how could this be. but then again... miracles dont happen in modern day life. and in a few months hes gone anyway.

being 2,600 miles away from home isn't good--but im not sure its bad, either. i feel like i've got the seasons mixed up. california surely isnt helping to reconcile these feelings. sunny breezy days. chilly nights. yet there are too many days that go by when all i wish to do is rush through the sunlit hours until bedtime when i can read my books and fall asleep in another world; another time; another place.

i sleep maybe two... three hours a night. and even when i sleep i've had dreams of floods and hurricanes destroying entire towns and countrysides--enough to make the strongest man weep and run in fear. the real torture is internal, however... i cant control the weather. thats my forte'. and the power would not come. its like having a gun but no bullets. knowledge without strength. love without passion. very complicated. im alone. betrayed.

the wind.. the tempest.. once my friend, my confidante has abandoned me. they torments me. "without me, Windrider, you are nothing" spoken in forceful, gutteral tones carried on the heart of the wind. "not so!" my scream comes... but still no flight. the rain continues. the darkness is everywhere. and i cannot even nudge a cloud from the sky. a simple manuever once; now barely remembered... or even worth remembering.

did you ever wish to wake from your life being a dream... or a nightmare... and begin again?

have you ever wished so hard for your death... so you could once again be enveloped by the spirit of the world...where you once knew home? where you once were free?

have you ever found the love of more than a lifetime.. of the universe.. and watched it slide away on the whisps of the wind... occasionally remembering the fragrant scent of summer dew early in the morning?

have you ever found everything you ever searched for... only to find it wasnt what youd intended all along? as if the world teased your soul forward only to change your destination when you arrived?

i no longer know where i am going. sometimes i no longer care. will there be someone to take care of me forever? probably not. "God cares for the little children, the birds, and the flowers -- surely he will watch out for me." where is that sentiment from? have i abandoned the gods? at which part of my life did i turn from the path and cut myself a new swatch into the wilderness which was unintended? was it purposeful? was i following my heart? my soul? have i been deceived?

i sense there is great power on the horizon. something, in which, to stand in awe. yet, i cannot get there. have i been neurtal far too long? the red robed mage ready to alter his stance and change directions? without conviction... without the heart... nothing of substance will come. this much i know. in my soul of souls... i know.

find my connection to the world. find my conviction. then find my heart.

I made a rule about you
I made a plan
For getting my feet back on the ground
Bury my face in clouds
For hours on end
But time only flies when you're around

It was cold and dark
The last time I saw you
Your hair was long and falling in your eyes
You said my hands were warm and that I was special
to you

You say it's complicated
But you're wrong
There nothing more obvious to me
We're on a trip together
About three thousand light years long

You know
I'm fighting this in vain
The sun's been shining for a week
But it feels like rain

I know that you're not mine
You're somebody elses flame
But when those hearts and flowers fade...		  
     Post
 
lovers   
11:42pm 16/12/2006
 
mood: dorky
Love controlled by time
Future lovers shine
For eternity
In a world that's free

Put away your past
Love will never last
If you're holding on
To a dream that's gone

... too nany ideas; too many thoughs. too much confusion.

too many people in my life for reasons unknown.

where am i? what am i doing? where am i going?		  
     Post
 
lets talk about shitty... "the little gym" monrovia, ca   
12:16am 16/10/2006
 
mood: contemplative
okay, so... yeah; that's how things go -- and I understand that. But damn -- can i ever catch a break?

I finally found a great position as the Director of "the little gym" or monrovia, ca (california). I inteviewed super well for it, spent hours and hour travelling to the owners current site (it was in La Canada, CA --- off the 2 travelling north from Glendale (area) Ca, (California), and spent time interviewing, having lucnh with the owner/director and her husband, shadowed two classes of children, and spent another day there discussing the position after she'd offered me the position... and BOOM... she gives (emails) me a contract which SUCKS. It really did suck. Now, I understand -- she wants to protect her investment (when hiring a full-time, salaried gym director) but c'mon... there were TONS of problems with the contact.

Lets start at the beginning. Its a "directors" position. a fucking directors(!) position. I have a masters in Exercise Physiology and a bachelors in Health and Physical Education. Ask what she offered me? GOOD question. ONLY $38,000/ year for LOS ANGELES california. Wait.. wait.. it gets better. It was ONLY starting at $15/hour until the new facility opened (in Monrovia, CA). She was willing to pay $700/week when I'd be in Scottsdale, Az (Arizona) for training. This wouldve been this past week (October 9th - 14th) and then again this current week (October 16th - October 21st). There would've been another week of shadowing / training in San Jose (near San Francisco, CA) sometime in the next few weeks when I'd get paid $700/week, as well. Following that final shadowing/training in San Jose -- I was to be paid the equivalent of $2,600 a month (NOT the full salary position of $3,1767/month or $38K/year) or the equivalent to $31,200 a year for my time being employed with the company UNTIL THE TIME THE NEW FACILITY IN MONROVIA OPENED. But GET THIS....

SHE HAD NOT yet FORMALLY signed the contract with the landowner / leasing party for the facility!!!! That means: I couldve been STUCK in a contract with her ... and NOT ever really have a position until god knows when. Oh yeah... the time length of the contract:

I was going to be in a YEAR LONG contract position until September 30, 2007 ... so... if i were offered another position at some other company say for $65,000/year (more what my eduation/experience should be paid considering it IS Los Angeles, CA, after all) I'd be stuck PAYING HER BACK my training costs, including .... hotel, travel (air and car rental), food allottment, supplies, etc. Basically --- from my "travelocity" and "orbitz" search -- it was going to be about $3,800 for expenses. So... IF I'd left in mid-november to take another position -- therefore breaking my contract with her -- i'd owe her that money (it was never spelled out exactly how much it'd be -- that was my rough-estimate of how much it'd be -- according to the web sites/ travel services) when I'd only have made MAYBE $1500 in tht time?!?!? FUCKED UP.

There were other concerns.... but those are the basics. My thoughts, you ask ANOTHER GOOD QUESTION: IF ANYONE is going to apply for the position, or ANY position, with "The Little Gym" of Monrovia or "The Little Gym" or La Canada/La Crescenta then DONT DO IT !!! She is UNDERPAYING her employees and is VERY tough in her contracts.

I spoke to my personal/family lawyer in Florida and sought advice from another legal representative here in California and EVERYONE said DO NOT SIGN THIS CONTRACT !!!! I spoke with my family back home and they agreed and my lawyers were correct: do not sign the contract. Basically.. my legal representative (here, in California) said "She's punishing you for leaving... when in reality the better approach would be to make the position in it's enterity sooooo appealing emotionally, financially, etc.. that there'd be NO WAY you'd ever think of going somewhere else. An offer of $38K/year -- and NOT EVEN that -- because she'd not be employing me at that rate until at least January of 2007 (4 months away) -- is RIDICULOUS." Offer the employee a sound benefit and financial package and they will stay. Dont punish them / slap them on the wrist for leaving.

Heres the better parts: Someone else already was offered the position (for supposedly "a sizeable amount more than (she) offered me").. and this other applicant turned it down to take a corportate position making $75K a year. Hell yeah! Why wouldnt she take it?!!? Now I know there was at least another person who'd interviewed for this position -- he was shadowing the class when I had my formal 1st interview. She'd basically been interviewing too far in advance, with a shitty, one-sided contract, and she KNEW that.

Time off and Vacation: Limited to 6 vacation day and 6 sick days/ year --- UNTIL 2 years had passed when vacation days went up to 9 days per year. They were basically given at 1/2 day each (vacation and sick days) per month working for her full time under the salary position. Oh -- GET THIS -- if she decided to close the facility around a holiday, etc... she could require the employee to take their vacation days for that, i.e., if she closed it the day before and the day after christmas -- there are 2 days taken out of the employees vacation time. So yeah -- NOT 6 days per year.. but now only 4 days per year.

In the end -- the fucking position ROCKED. She seemed totally cool -- but I'd totally advise ANYONE who would be seeking employment at "The Little Gym of Monrovia" ("The Little Gym" Monrovia, CA") to ABSOLUTELY seek a legal representatives opinion of the contract. It SUCKED !!!

So.. in the end I'm job hunting still, but working part-time in the meantime and LOVING it!!! She'll get her just reward one day somehow. She's brining in $500K a year at the ONE site in La Canada as I was told -- so theoretically -- she's be bringing in $1 Million with two facilities next year. If I remember business economics 101 from college (and I do) then 1/3 of the income is spent on "employee salary, benefits, etc" ... 1/3 on rent, franchise fees, upkeep, utliities, etc.. and 1/3 is made as profit. Under those calculations she'd be making $330,000 a year off of two properties (with two MORE facilities to be opened by her and her husband in the following 18 months)... and she couldnt afford to pay and extra $20K to me (or anyone else, for that matter) a RESPECTABLE income? Hell .. for $60K a year I'd DEFINITLEY stay there for the whole year -- even giving up my immediate thoughts for completing my doctorate next year.

Gotta love people that are SOOO CHEAP. What is $20K when she should be making $330K a year... and in 18 months time -- she's making $660K a year? and she couldnt spare and extra $20K ??!?

Do I feel bad for her? HELL NO. She gets what she deserves if that's how she approaches business. Fucking stupid shit. I couldve SOOO made a TON of money for her -- but I'm sooo better off finding something else and working for someone who actually can back up their respect for me financially. Another lady (female) passed up on the position -- and so did I -- do you think she learned a lesson? probably not. She's probably still advertising at $38K a year. Hell .. the day after I turned her down -- she posted an ad on losangeles.craigslist.com (at: http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sgv/bus/213157688.html) and on Monster.com (at: http://jobsearch.monster.com/getjob.asp?JobID=48398610&AVSDM=2006%2D09%2D26+13%3A13%3A28&Logo=1&JobTitle=GYM+DIRECTOR&q="The+little+gym"&cy=US&brd=1&lid=347&lid=348&lid=702&lid=352&lid=354&lid=355&lid=883&lid=356&fn=560&Image1.x=28&Image1.y=7&dcjvlid=27354), so.... who knows. Who cares.

If anyone is listening -- be warned. Now you know the facts. Okay -- done bitching. Now I'm off to read and then to bed. Peace, all!!!! And start treating people in the world with RESPECT. You get back what you put out into the world. Its true !		  
     Read 7 - Post
 
midnight...   
12:53am 10/09/2006
 
mood: contemplative
so its after midnight. today, actually this entire week, has been a wicked, wierd time.

i've been missing "home," lately. though i dont know where "home" is anymore. pittsburgh, at one time. i guess more so i'm missing the familiarity of it all; the potential of watching the seasons change. ive always loved autumn/fall the best of the seasons; though spring has always given me hope. this year, however, just hasn't felt "real." i dont know where this past year has gone, since january. i feel like its been an emotional black hole... hmmm.

for some reason i started thinking back to where i was last year, 10 years ago, etc. too much rememberence, i guess. how sad. to know it: and to still dick around trying to remember.

September, 1990: 16 years ago. starting my "official" first full fall semester at college and pretty much hating it. I elected to take 2 classes though i didn't have to -- just to avoid working (at my moms insistence if i didnt go to college). failed history cause i hated the instructor and got a c in philosophy. tried - but not hard enough - but remember sitting close to some hot hot hot upperclassmen. yum. (who knew the following semester would include a class where i actually go "hit on" by a sophmore, *****, in my earth science course. even MORE yum. why was i so afraid to engage him? damnit. if i knew then what i know now... id have been laid and in a fraternity right then and there, im sure).

September, 1991: 15 years ago. Working at the flowershop. it's been 10 months already. Finally after the end of the spring / beginning of summer to feel secure. met "AJ" from the nextdoor apartment with his black lab. wanted something to happen--but nothing did. he was straight. Martina (Navratilova) had just played an awesome US Open making it to the finals beating Steffi Graf in the semifinals but losing to Monica Seles on saturday in the finals 6-7, 1-6. Over an "okay" year for her.

September, 1992: 14 years ago. Gosh--working at the flowershop. Feeling pretty comfortable. This whole time (beginning and after the summer or 1991) seems to blur together.

September, 1993: 13 year ago. What was going on, then? working at the flowershop; the college students coming back. feeling super secure about the position and knowing the ins and outs of everything. nothing much new -- from what i can recall. Id met Joe (Melissa's roommate) in August. Got introduced to the gay clubs for the first time that month (august). Met

September, 1994: 12 years ago. My first "real" semester of college. feeling good about having kicked butt in the second summer session (health and tennis classes) and finding a major which was awesome. renewed purpose to life. feeling "alive." about to feel even more "empowered," by meeting ryan and everyone else at the "out" / gay activities in october. should've listened to my heart an started dating brian (e.) instead of ryan. ah, well. bad decision but... what happened to him. went to psu. then to teach in west virginia somewhere (according to psu friends rich and jim, later on, in 1997/ 1998, from what he knew). fuck--he had to drop that semester and leave iup. i caused a lot of inadvertent shit for him. fags are not to be trusted, i guess. he was a nice guy, too.

September, 1995: 11 years ago. Just met Bryan. man--had a great start to the year with this new "relationship." excited. energetic. fun times. feeling completely "empowered" about my life. enjoying the newness of the college after questionable starts with ryan and the uncomfortableness he imposed on the years beginning (moving roommates).

September, 1996: 10 years ago. Just getting my "bearings" in pittsburgh; Dating DJ ends; getting my own apartment in Indiana; being single and actually "hating" it for the first time ever; about to meet Craig. Feeling... wrong. Starting my third year of college without Bryan there which felt totally weird. Maybe he was right--to leave first. maybe he saw what i couldnt see: that indiana (then eventually pittsburgh) just wasn't "it." who knows.

September, 1997 9 years ago. Getting "settled" into the apartment with Jeremy; had a month to enjoy the fall weather (before starting a job, racquet club in mid-october), playing tennis outdoors at the Mellon Park on 5th ave (Pgh) which was a BLAST. Having mix-emotions about student teaching but excited to be taking positive steps into my "new life" as a semi-professional.

September, 1998: 8 years ago. Finally coming to terms with having broken up with Jeremy; getting trampled on by Ed. Moving home to my parents. Fucked up part of the year. where did my life go wrong? no wonder its hard to forget jkz. where did he go?

september, 1999: 7 years ago: moved in with jason. had a tough struggle the first month. had a crying-comfort with each other in the middle of unpacked boxes in the living room. wondering how i'd get by but feeing energetic and excited. new hope. having just "officially" broken up with jason (ny) but feeling totally depressed a lot of the time. sad, yes.. but hopeful of the future.

September, 2000: 6 years ago. Finally broke up with Brad. Couldnt believe the lie and his false friends. wonder if they are still friends, now? starting at the reservations department at the Westin; not feeling secure at all. about to meet Eleanor; talking to *****, getting ready to "date" during October and November. wonder if hes finally lost his virginity; probably not--he was too scared then and probably still is now.

September, 2001: 5 years ago. just met stephen. had a wild and unexpected time. 9/11 put a stop to our first date; wierd start. no trust. shakey ground. feeling pretty comfortable in pittsburgh, in my new job / life (since april, 2001) and finally feeling "valued" and somewhat settled.

September, 2002: 4 years ago: coming to terms with Stephen; trying to "hang out" again but still feeling uncomfortable. Nearly finding out ive been screwed by my housemate for the past couple years. fucked up end to the year, that was (november and december).

September, 2003: 3 years ago: Just left my own apartment and moved in with Bob--one of Mike's "friends," turned out not to be his friend--rather an online acquaintance. not a good situation. how did i make it there through march/ april of the next year? i have no idea. uncomfortable situations nearly everyday. yuck.

september, 2004: 2 years ago: starting my masters program. had found another love of my life (joe), and enjoyed the best august ever. left hilton head. on a total high. had no idea within a month (mid-october) my life would be turned upside down by switching grad programs.

september, 2005: 1 year ago: mike's gone--having moved to LA. he's back to Pgh for a visit, my car gets fucked up by a falled tree; have a loaner car from enterprise. meet (finally) the italian guy, *****, end of september/ early october. had a blast -- what happened? *sad

September, 2006: now. in Los Angeles; hopefully getting a full-time position next week (crossing fingers again and again). we'll see soon (on monday). feeling like i should be in seattle supporting the pac cup members, but also glad i didn't go considering the car issues.

ah, well... my life in review. should be private. probably will be at some point... lol. who would want to read it anyway. yikes.

i need to finish cleaning my room and get to bed... i've been writing this for over 45 minutes and recalling "life," over the past 15 years is fucked up.		  
     Post
 
up way too early...   
05:40am 17/06/2006
 
mood: confused
this seems so archaic: this journal was started two years ago and i hardly have any recollection of who i was back then or where i was going. i found a printed email from a guy i knew back then -- that i had met in march (i think) that I had started to "like," his name was Ralph and we were beginning the same graduate program. Well two years later... we haven't talked in over a year and a half (since October, 2004), i have no idea where he (or any of the other classmates are) as i switched graduate programs to better "complete my educational life," and fell in love with the program ("Exericse Physiology" -- which makes sense as my undergraduate/interests were in health and physical education).

now i'm in los angeles; not quite sure what i'm doing here. i'm pretty much finishing my work at Cedars -- i gotta get this last research paper written -- then i can "cap off" that last part of that chapter in my life. i started doing landscaping work for a director/writer close to echo park/glendale/silverlake. the first project turned out great; we'll see what else can happen.

so i'm up at 5am; its no nearly 6am; i have tennis practice/matches at 8am. ah, well. then volunteering at the lata club championships from 2-5pm. looks like it will be a long, long day. ah, well ! lol.

so.. alec isnt talking 2 me: it's been nearly two weeks. i doubt he'll be at practice today -- i think he's traveling/away from la for some reason this weekend. most everyone else will not be at practice as they are playing in the tournament. derek (the lawyer) is gone--off to columbia still--and i'm not sure when he'll be back. maybe another 2 weeks or so? Rual/Bruno seems nice but "clingy." wow--has it been that long since i've fallen in love with someone? the way he talks reminds me of when i fell in love with jeremy so long ago; now i understand what it was like to be totally into someone who's interested-- but not that into"--you. damn. thats harse. was falling in love with Joe so effortless? it was. will that experience dictate what i expect love to be like in the beginning? man--we really had it all going on (at least in my mind). i really would have done/would do anything for that guy. blind faith, i guess.

some song lyrics keep running through my head: "paint myself into a corner. a thousand miles from here and now." (billie myers). i saw billie myers perform at the gay festival for "pride" here in los angeles; and to think there was a time back in may (not so long ago) when i wasn't even sure i'd be here this long. i really do have no idea where my life is headed.

im trying to apply to some landscaping position that i found online. one is from avarie shevin who i've seen on HGTV. i dont know how i came across the advertisement on craigs list -- but i did. i got a response from her late last night; it seems the only thing(s) holding me back from getting an interview/job try-out is/are that i (a) dont have a truck/suv and that (b) i seem to have too much experience. ah, well... maybe i'll try anyway. who knows. she seems pretty cool and has some pretty colourful designs.

well off to take a nap for another half hour -- then to get up, eat, and get ready for some tennis this morning. i hope the day, if nothing else, is fun. this week's been a bore, for the most part. peace, all...		  
     Post
 
   
12:20pm 30/05/2006
 
mood: calm
So... west hollywood. California. Wow. It seems like it was yesterday I was leaving for here... and now I'm not sure when, or if, I'm headed back to Pittsburgh. It's kinda scary ... but okay, too.

I love my new friends here. I miss my old friends back in the 'burgh, and that are now living around the country in various places... orlando, chesapeake, etc. *sigh*.

so i'm job hunting and it's kinda crazy. looking for anything at the moment. just to get me through, i.e., the funds are getting low low low. *sigh*

tennis is good; i decided to try out for Pac Cup (which is a gay team tennis competition which happens in the fall between Los Angeles, San Diego, San Francisco, Seattle and Vancouver). Its being held in Seattle this year so that means travelling. I wonder how long it would take by car? I don't fly. Well, not often, at least. Last time was 1996 and that was too recent. Practices are going well; the first round of cuts are going to happen in a week and a half. I was a bit nervous--up until last week I hadn't won a match. I was 0-4. Then losing to Paul on Tuesday (1-6, 2-6) wasn't helping the mental/emotional situation. But I had two wins on Wednesday (d. Joezen 6-2, 6-3 and d. Dennis 6-2, 1-6, 6-3) and one on Thursday (d. Greg 6-4, 2-6, 6-3) and went into the weekend practices feeling pretty good. Of the 4 losses three were really tough three-set matches all against good players (Dana, Joe, and Alec). One I defaulted 'cause, well... yeah. I did. LOL.

Hmmm... what else. Rey's mad at me; I think we have different agendas and expectations. We haven't spoken in awhile -- maybe over two weeks. Alec and I hit it off way more than we ever should have. And everyone else seems to be rather nice. Joe and I just started hanging out the past few days outside of tennis. Though there are sooo many new people here. It's .. stressing and exciting at the same time.

Outside of tennis Jason came to visit last weekend; Man was that FUN. We met my boy John out at Popstarz on friday night (a week 1/2 ago) and man was John looking good. Very cute. Derek, the lawyer, is out of the country (in Columbia) for the next 4 weeks. I won't get to see him until we get back. *sigh* that's sad...

The weather is great. Its warm and NO HUMIDITY. I LOVE it. Yummy! (if yummy could be used to describe weather, that is)... and wow this letter feels like it's a summer camp journal from 5th grade.

Time to go ! Props.		  
     Post
 
... Everybody comes to (West) Hollywood   
09:34pm 21/04/2006
 
mood: contemplative
So I've spent the better part of the last two days alone... and loved it. Mike and John were out working and travelling Thursday and Friday (today) and I spent time goofing off at the house, playing with the dogs, watching tv, movies and yeah... doing some work. Fun times.

Tonight, though, around 7.50pm I noticed it was particularly pretty outside; the sun was just beginning to set and I decided to walk through West Hollywood along Santa Monica Blvd just to "get away" from the house for awhile. I took a turn after a few six blocks or so and looped back. At one point I ended up being on the corner of Kings and Romaine as the sun was setting and noticed this very bland, almost non-descript house. But I had a mental / emotional flashback to years and years ago when I was a teenager walking through the city to get to the park for fourth of July fireworks with my mom, sister, etc. It was... weird. I'm 2500+ miles away from all that.

Then I noticed that this part of hte city did a great job in "underlighting" everything -- which immediately took me back to emotinal memories of being on Hilton Head, SC with Joe in 2004. Man.. that was an amazing summer. It's nearly 2 years ago and it seems like yesterday. Well, having a picture (he just sent me last weekend) on the desk right in front of me doesnt hinder / hurt either! LOL. Great times.

I'm taking a break from tennis for a few weeks; as it's been pointed out by my friend Rey that I'm "just not having a good (fun) time on the tennis court anymore." Funny, too, cause I've had offers to play (for this weekend, even) but turned them down. I dont know what I'm doing. I just know that what I've "been" doing hasnt been working.

Life seems like it's spiraling sometimes -- I have no idea how I got here of where I'm going. Right now I feel like I'm just holding on for the ride to end. No end in sight.

--Peace.		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
... room.   
11:00pm 01/04/2005
 
mood: apathetic
there was no room for me in a room full of view
there were doors all around but i couldnt find the key
when we ran out of air we didnt know what to do
suffocated by love in a room with no view
and im sorry, im sorry...
but why do i feel so sorry
when im not really sure what im sorry for?

oh i tried to tell you a thousand times
that we both needed space to find some peace of mind
that i couldnt make you happy though you know i tried

i gave you everything i didnt think twice
and i lost myself in the sacrifice
no i couldnt make you happy
and with every breath i died
cause theres no room for me in a room full of view

in between all the noise
silence built a china wall
we build it up to the sky
throwing stones to watch them fall
did i hurt you ?
you know i didnt mean to.
did i try too hard not to love you
like i couldve cared less, no i couldnt
well i couldnt, or
how i couldnt care more

i tried to tell you a thousand times...
that we both needed space to find some peace of mind

when i said i didnt love you -- did you know i lied.
say goodbye.		  
     Post
 
... forever   
12:46am 24/02/2005
 
mood: intimidating
tell me
why do lovers have to leave
i know it happens all the time
and its so sad
cause this time its you and me
i know im losing you but
i just cant believe it

tell me
why do feelings have to change
what happened to the love i knew
found it fading alittle more each day
so im losing you but
i just cant believe it

just hold me now
say you'll stay forever
say the day will never come		  
     Post
 
... thanksgivings past   
02:48am 26/11/2004
 
mood: contemplative
tonight i have been remembering
far too many faces of those people
who have gone through my life
and no longer exist here --
some of whoms i have purposefully forgotten
others remain embedded forever, it seems.

i have done well to realize all the new,
more beutiful souls i have encountered this fall,
from various cities and states
who have come along at just the right time
when i least expected it
and have stayed throughout hard times and
times of strength and passion.

for these...
i am greatly thankful.		  
     Post
 
... sometimes you just never know.   
12:51am 21/10/2004
 
mood: energetic
so as of late all my entries have been *private* and with good reason.

life has been confusing as of late; school, assignments, group projects, work, lifting, clients, friends, the restaurant, boys... all have conspired to make life very very odd the past month and a half. yet i am once again coming out of my shell. the semester is half over. i have aced my midterms [those that i have taken thus far] and am set to embark an Epidemiological route for the next few years... hopefully. :)

so classes and mates are good and interesting; though if i have to hear another lecture about *student development theory and practice* i think i am going to go insane! grrrr! groups projects are going well; i seem to once again be taking lead--no one else is, so... and *yes* rose they are *quite* varied, including:
* Homosexuality Identify Formation [Student Development Theories]
* Residence Life @ IUP [Foundations of Student Affairs]
* Diabetes Milletis and Physical Activity [Epidemiology]
* Prostate Cancer and Physical Activity [Epidemiology]
* Immersion Project--Buddhism [Multiculturalism]
* Thesis/Prospectus Development [Research Methods]
* and a variety of other, fine, young, beautiful topics.... and mid terms... *blah*

boys are well... boys. that has been the subject of great confusion this year. but theres nothing quite like a night of madly passionate, forceful love making and a magnum of french champagne to set you right again!!! and in that the truth is revealed. Otherwise ive mostly been dating a few guys here and there since the first of September. The problem is that by splitting time between Indiana [IUP/family] and Pittsburgh [work/live/friends] its tough. So lots of things are put on hold... or come up on a moments notice--hence jason, the mysterious magnum of french champagne and the night of, well... you get the picture. *tehe*. and if i could find time to go out with Patrick, Lawrence, and Collin id probably be happier but with much less sleep! haha. in due time.... dont get me wrong, after a silly crazy set or enoucnters this year, its really nice to be appreciated but the timing is sooooo off as i just simply dont have alot of time/energy to spend. Michael is too far away [New Mexico] so even though he may take a position in Atlanta by tthe end of this year--Hot-lanta is still kidna far to travel. *sucks*. *checks the ESaver flights*

clients are good. im making way decent money for the time. cancellations suck, but are unavoidable and few and far between. the resturant is closed for awhile due to renovations, so... the money there is lacking, yet the time off on the weekends is well appreciated. life is about balance, i guess...

sports are good. basketball has been picking up as of late. ive lost some weight [bodyfat percentage down] again and now my vertical leap is about 28" again. weightlifting is going well--itd be easier if stephen were here to push me further, though. but i have xmas break and spring break next year to work towards [south beach?] winter tennis leagues are going well... yet it is odd that with tennis the one thing ive worked on most of this year is my basic footwork and also contact/striking of the ball; and how that mimics life is amazing. its returning to the *basics* that has helped everything to fall into place and provide the foundation for the rest of the game/life; and getting rid of those *outlying* distractions have seemed to clear my head and allow me to refocus on whom/what is most important. and those are the areas which i am chanelling my efforts. everything else is moot and rather unimportant and is getting no emotional effort from me and with good reason.

a mantra to consider: "you must live spherically--in many directions at once. never lose your childish innocence and good things will come your way." [adapted].

maybe the old sentiment is true--you can never go back. *ponders*		  
     Post
 
...the 1974 right to privacy act revisited   
09:14pm 27/09/2004
 
mood: contemplative
so alot of my journal as of late has been *private.* versus *public* for reasons unexplained. who knows when that will change [apparently this entry did somewhat].

i love the fall.
the colour of the first leaves falling on the ground,
being swept away in the afternoon breeze.
the coolness of the evening air
with just a hint of frost--fortelling of snow soon held around the corner.
i am not ready to give up my casual, summertime wear as of yet.
the comfort of a sweater and far too baggy jeans remind me
of fireplaces surrounded by children and lovers
huddled together underneath the blankets to keep warm

if you had told me a day ago,
a week ago, a month ago, or a year ago where i would be standing now
i would have passed you off as mad
enclosed you within the confines rarely seen by those save circus-folk
professing the future, besting lions, and tigers and bears, and jumping through hoops of fire
not worthy of scientific study, for certain
yet spoken of throughout the culture
at least for the day of the event, if not more.

students rush to classes
hurry to meet friends and consorts and lunch
to study in groups, and pairs, and alone at the library
professors prepare lessons with far too much reading required
and erroneous peoples seem caught up in the midst of another busy semester
but i am not here
hardly ever
not yet

my thoughts return to another time, another day, another time
when holding onto someone for hours on end
when playing games in the pool at sunset
when flights of fancy on bicycles across and island unseen in years
was a common day occurrance.
the feeling of sand beneath my feet
of sandcastles built as the waves force their demise
reminiscent of the love i unexpectedly found, and caressed,
then tortured and lost.

so many other look, and do not, look the same.
its as if no one knows what is going on in my head....
that everyone else i converse with has such simple lives
without concern
devoid of the passion you and i knew
that night in the park, on the planting box underneath the tree
waiting to hear you complete your thoughts in sentence
knowing that you were going to propose that we should date each other alone
and no one else
regardless of the distance and the miles
and the complexity of the situation in only having known each other
a few brief weeks.

a lifetime lived without a person you were meant to stand beside
how depressing can it be to have had even the potential of having that for eternity
and then giving it up ?

my mind swirls with emotion--
of confusion, and complexity knowing how much ive experienced already
that most other people i speak with have never known
and may never know ever in their lifetime

i have been given a gift
a gift of knowing many beautiful, wonderful men
and engaging, for however long a romance with them
from a few short dats, to a longer few weeks,
to years and beyond.

i have had more than the world expected of me...
and yet i still want more.
potentially the definiton of madness, itself ?
most definitely.


"... winter snow is falling down
children laughing all around
lights are turning on like a fairytale come true

sitting by the fire we made
you're the answer when i prayed that i would find someone
and somehow i found you

all i want is to hold you forever
all i need is you more everyday
you saved my heart from being broken apart
you gave your love away and im thankful everyday
for the gift

watching as you softly sleep
what i'd give if i could keep
just this moment
if only time stood still..."

"the gift," -- jim brickman		  
     Post
 
lightning strikes twice. and reverbs throughtout my life.   
08:22pm 26/09/2004
 
mood: apathetic
"... and i watched from my window.
always felt i was outside looking in on you.
you're always the mysterious one with
dark eyes and carless hair you were
fashionably sensitive but too cool to care

and you stood in my doorway
with nothing to say
besides some comment on the weather.
in case you failed to notice
in case you failed to see
this is my heart bleeding before you
this is me down on my knees "

"foolish games,"
--jewel [ca. 1987]

jeremy has been my legacy to be reminded of the past few weeks and months.

maybe it is going back to school, after so long, i do not know. *sigh*. i think of him constantly. it could be because joe unknowingly reminds me of him.

"...i hid my soiled hands behind my back
somewhere along the line i must have gone off track with you.
excuse me, think ive mistaken you for somebody else
somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself."

i MISS HIM MADLY and i have no reason to ! for six years so many things have gone back to Jeremy. and now, without the presence of Jason within my life, there is no constant direct tie back to Jeremy. Only my memories and a few crummy pictures not even in a photo album.

... so then joe comes into my life. and *supposedly* i fuck it up. but somewhere, down inside of me, i think he had a big role in it, as well. as if he was *ready* to break up. and the advent of me not speaking to him for a week+ was pretty much the catalist he needed to *get out.* but in the end who is to say. who really knows. theres always the possibility he slept around before we *officially* broke up, but who knows. all we have our pictures and that doesnt a confession or courtroom decision make.		  
     Post
 
.. distraction.   
11:00am 05/09/2004
 
mood: apathetic
today, and this weekend, i'm distracted again. once again. *surprised face*

i have a bunch of reading to do, for my classes, but i cannot seem to get into it. i've read thru my research methods [yesterday] and started on my epidemiology but haven't finished that yet.

Michael, in Pgh, has a friend in from Philly this weekend, so i'm not headed there. Stephen is in florida, at the worst possible time[s] with the hurricane going str8 thru florida today and tomorrow. Terry is in NYC, at the US Open [tennis]. my sister, her husband and daughter are here, at my parents house until tuesday morning.

someone recently pointed out to me methods of childrearing; and looking at "who" is in control of the family/relationship/etc and how often times it is the child, by way of the parents/guardians' actions. interesting thoughts and ideas.

until this year... i have never seen a child take 45 minutes or an hour to get dressed for church service in the morning, as is the case with my niece [she's just under 2 years old]. and it's not just for church, its for literally every event/everyday/morning. my sister seems to be constantly fighting with andie, and arguing about everything when she is dressing her. "not these shoes," "not that dress," "not those socks." *blah* *blah* *blah*. and maybe its because i'm "on a mission," with my studying this weekend, and i have little "emotional reserve," but... do all children yell and scream and play and run ALL the time? the only silence in the house is when she sleeps/naps. and then my sister becomes the "loud" one. going thru this the past year+, and seeing the development of this child makes me realize i probably don't ever want to get married, and never have children. or at least it gets me to rethink certain "truths" i thought i had developed in my mind. "...no truth is greater than the next one." supposedly ?

it seems like an arguing match with the two of them: to see who "wins," and maybe its just their conflicting personalities, but i don't know. i hate it. i'd never want children in my house if it's going to be like that. i would never want to be a "parent," if this is how it ends up being.

so this afternoon/tonight there is a picnic of SAHE students, at one of my classmates houses. it should be fun, but i'm in a wierd mood about it. i honestly feel out of "it," whatever "it" is... maybe it's cause i've been listening to slow, sad music as of late. haha! probably so...

and i hate talking to joe over the computer/IM. yuck. it never goes well for us that way. i asked him, in a way, to go to reading, pa and philly next weekend, and he blew me off cause he has no money. but i'd have covered it. but maybe it'e better we just spend time away and apart right now. *fatalist* attitude, i guess.

today, mike would put it, that i "am on the border between pessimism and fatalism," again. *sigh*. see what casey stratton does to us ?		  
     Post
 
... martinis. :)   
05:46pm 30/08/2004
 
mood: anxious
great news! i paid way too much for my grey goose 2003 martini glass, but i got it in the mail today, and its amazing !!! its the one with the pewter base, made out of leaves. it's awesome. :) but it cost $20. i couldve bought the entire 5th adn got the glass for free with it, in the xmas/holiday box set. *sigh*. ah, well... thats show business !!!!

did i mention that i unknowingly begun collecting martini glasses?!?! haha. it just kinda happened... and apparently has been happening for the past 2 or 3 years, but i never noticed it. tehe. *giggles*

shouts to the peeps [stevie; stephen; mike; aretha; ralph, etc etc etc.... ] sorry i havent seen you all for such a long time; but classes are starting tomorrow, so... there ya go!!!

peace. :)

anyone know how to get a website? *sigh*. im so comp-illiterate, sometimes. *wonders* that way i could post all these crazy pictures i have of things i chat about !		  
     Post
 
 
jonathanpgh
 
 
skip